maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I could make wine with my vomit
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
This baby is an asshole
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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