I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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