a queef is a wish your heart makes.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
