Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
