Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
