Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize