Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
