My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Randomize
