Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
