I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
