Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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