A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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