how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
