I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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