Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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