The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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