I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
