mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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