Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
