I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
