where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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