we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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