The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
