Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
