he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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