Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Randomize
