Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
