Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
