ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
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