I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
