I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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