Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
