i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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