Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
