I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
high people should be assigned attendants
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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