I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
