Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
