GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
