last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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