I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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