I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
