Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
