my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
