she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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