I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
