i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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