Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
