I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
