A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
