My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
