Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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