I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
