Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
