We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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