Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Randomize
