you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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